As late fall and winter bore down on the upper Midwest, I began to lose my enthusiasm for maintaining this blog. I began to lose enthusiasm for a lot of things unfortunately. My last posting was over three months ago. I have not had much to say in the interim.
Winter here can be hard on the soul for someone used to the eternal sunshine and warmth of Australia. I don't know if the end of summer was the trigger or whether that was just a coincidence. I have to admit it's been a difficult few months. I struggled with depression and a treatment program that just seemed to keep making things worse, not better. I wrote a little about this here and here.
It seems I am through the worst of it now and regaining a sense of normalcy. I wonder to what extent the diagnosis of my depression (which was based on an 'educated' guess by a physician unsupported by any objective physiological or neurological indicators) was more a less a self-fulfilling prophecy. Once planted in my mind, it somehow tapped into deep seated insecurities or hurts somewhere inside for fuel to grow, until it began to define me. I allowed a measure of self-responsibility and ownership for my feelings to be taken away and replaced by a 'diagnosis', one that I now challenge. I might write about this a little more some time when there is more distance from the events of the past three months.
Getting off the medication was just horrible. I do not recommend ever taking a drug like Effexor; it is nasty to be on and truly brutal to get off of. There is some indication these drugs can be permanently addictive in that some people simply cannot tolerate the terrible withdrawal side effects and therefore cannot stop taking the drug. I was sick for two weeks after gradually titrating the dose, and I still have the occasional shivers as well as the seemingly permanent tinnitus that begun the day I started taking Effexor. I won't even mention the horrible emotional rollercoaster that also ensued. I'm sure we'll eventually learn more about the damaging effects of this and other SSRI drugs, and discover that far from the panacea they are claimed to be they are toxic chemicals that should never be given to humans.
In any case, this blog has been an important vehicle for me to express myself and dialogue with others. I enjoy posting and want to re-engage with the world. If anyone's reading this, take a look at some of my observations on matters spiritual and political. Feel free to add a comment. And thanks for stopping by!
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